I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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