She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
