Please don't use social media to get back at me.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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