he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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