you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
