I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
