I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
