What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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