I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
