You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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