my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
either way he was missing a nipple.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
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If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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