at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Mom said you looked used
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
