But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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