I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
