Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
