i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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