So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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