somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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