she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
