The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
