I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and she was petting her beer can
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
