He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
