she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
