and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
