if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
