3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
