Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
