I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
