I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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