you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I die, sorry about rent.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
