i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
