You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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