4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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