I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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