I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
