I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
