My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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