If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
