He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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