GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
