your room smells of hookers.
And success
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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