my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
