I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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