I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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