Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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