Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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