The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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