We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
