She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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