Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
