smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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