saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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