I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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