I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
