omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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