i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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