Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
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sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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