So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
