I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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