I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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